So I live in an appartment with highlighted walls....Amber

I just got home from work and I am feeling joyous joyous joyous!! I don't know! I just finished reading this amazing book! And God is just so all over this book and I am all over God and it's just a really great time! No but seriously.... this has probably been the dryest season of my life! I always knew third year of nursing would be the hardest but my imaginations only let me dread the academic side of things.

BUT! It is almost at an end. I can already feel this weight lift off of my shoulders. For the past couple of days all I've wanted to do is dance dance dance! I am finally making a start on some of the spiritual discipines that I've been lusting after (and yes I did say lusting). Small things such as I told work that I'm not going to work night shifts anymore and I'm actually sticking to it (time boundary issues!!). I no longer reward the busy lifestyle that I have learned to cherish, and for the first time ever.... I think I really hate it! This North American idea of success has started to make me sick and so I think I should either move or give my time to God.

I've been actually thinking a lot about David recently. David in his sheparding days. I really like to think that he hated sitting there with those sheep, doing nothing while everyone was at war. And I think about how jiped he would have been if he spent that time just thinking about not being at war (where he wanted to be) and not fighting off the bear and the lion. I could just picture him sitting there watching the lion devour the sheep and thinking, "There goes that one. One less sheep to bathe". But he fought and worshiped and spent time in solitude. I love this quote by Mother Tersea....

"We need to find God,and he cannot be found in noise and reslessness. God is a friend of silence. She how nature-trees, flowers, grass-grow in silence; see the stars, the moon and sun, how they move in silence... the more we receive in silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. We need silence to be able to touch souls. All our words will be useless unless they come from within- words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness"

I'm anticipating more quiet moments. More discipline in my spiritual living. An increase of awareness of why I am doing what I do. My passion has changed from the seductive public to the silent private world of my heart! My reflection of this year will come from inner struggle as opposed to outer, measureable achievements. I want my mind to be sharp and alert; and I want to fall in love with study of the Word! And this is why I am dancing around my apartment at 1 am!

Oh dearest Basketball! Why have you forsaken me!!....Amber

So as it turns out...I'm not as invincible as I once thought I was. One blow to the knee and I'm back in physiotherapy NOT playing the season that I've spent the last 5 months preparing for. Sitting here NOT being healed by the God who created me and loves me with all the love that is possibly available in the universe...NOT being able to work so I can pay my rent. NOT running so I'll be ready for my competition in the end of Feburary. NOT being able to deal with any kind of the stress that school regularly sends my way...

Okay relax...breathe...Amber's pitty party is over! Just had to give you some background information! I could blog all of the great and amazing things that have occured as a result of my knee injury, but I don't think that those are the lessons I'm supposed to learn through this. I know by now that there are reasons associated with events that happen in life.

I guess I've always used sports or running as my main method of coping with stress and in the back of my mind I've wondered what would happen if my body no longer allowed me to do these activities. Like if I was in prison somewhere, or on my sick bed...Ha! So the day has come a lot sooner than I thought. I may seem like I'm over exaggerating but my emotional life has been a complete rollarcoaster with more crying/aggression that I have ever experienced before with no real outlet that I am used to.

It's not as though I don't go to God in my times of crisis...but it was more that I met with God while I was running. It was "Our" place I suppose. One Psalm that I have memorized and say to myself almost hourly is:

Psalm 61: 2-4
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings

This scripture has been so valuable to me. It gives me goose bumps just reading it on this screen! I'm not sure how I got into this place of thinking that my release comes from some kind of solution or situation that I've put in place. Depending on my own ways.

Lord forgive me when I've believed that I am self suffient; when I have wasted time "dealing with things" my own way without recognizing your strength and incredible willingness of WANTING to be apart of my frustrations. You are what my heart aches for; You are my safe place.

Reflections....Amber

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Worked at a drop in centre, disimpacted a patient, worked as a health care aide, been in a relationship that has lasted longer than a month and moved out! woot woot!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year? ummm...I'm pretty sure last year's new years resolution was to drink less coffee and I'm even more sure that I've stopped making new years resolutions...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that I can remember....I should probably remember these things...

4. Did anyone close to you die? no one that I was extremely close to...but a couple of people from my home town and one patient that I especially got close to in the hospital.

5. What countries did you visit? ACK...don't even talk to me.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? Balance

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched in your memory, and why? June 26th is probably the only date I could remember accurately...what a night eh Evan? haha

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? What kind of question is this? ahha. Surviving the summer seems to stick out in my mind. OH! And passing maintenence (a nursing course)!!!!

9. What was your biggest failure? areas of self control/discipline in my life that are lacking;

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? A funny case of viral Bronchitis (so I think) that has been with me all fall. I woudln't say that I'm suffering this illness anymore...but moreso befriending it.

11. What was the best thing you bought? coffee...luckily that happened weekly...sometimes daily. Or my new pair of runners that are pink and amazingly light!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Aimee...for making a hard decision; Robyn for talking me out of extending my third year of nursing; Ashley for putting up with me as a room mate; and lastly Evan for his boldness and selfless leadership

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Ack besides mine? Actually a couple of people in my nursing class got caught cheating on a test and the thought of that happening in a profession such as nursing makes me sick. Some healthcare professionals' uncompassionate methods.

14. Where did most of your money go? coffee...HAHA! just kidding. Gas during the summer, rent during the fall and school ALL the TIME!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? hmmm...there is much that makes me excited! The enormousness of my Bestest and most powerful Friend and King, connecting the future with today, worship in my room with paints and dancing, potential silent moments of rest, being done school early and going to the Yukon, my studdly, most attractive and Godly boyfriend Evan Ross Moffat, Hiking the West Coast Trail and winter camping, piano, nursing (more specifically needles...haha just kidding).

16. What song will always remind you of 2006? For some reason "All I Can Say" by David Crowder band always comes to mind.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? hmmm..the same I think
iii. richer or poorer? definately poorer financially...but richer in something better....

8. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I did more of nothing. Just more resting in God

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Everything!hahah jk. less drinking of the coffee. Less worrying...less procastinating

22. Did you fall in love in 2006? wow these are personal!

24. What was your favorite TV program? MASH! And Home improvement...but I haven't had a tv for a while...

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Hating people is an option?

26. What was the best book you read? "Seizing your divine moment" By Edwin McManus

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? that I still love piano

29. What did you want and not get? Time with the kids at the drop in centre...with opportunities to see God move

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I can't remember (i've actually put a lot of thought in this question too!)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Hmm...has an interesting encounter with the police, and just did school and basketball. pretty dry stuff. Oh and I was/am 22

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? travelling somewhere new and exciting!!!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? whatever is on the floor...and then some scrubs

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? does public figure mean anyone who is in public?

36. What political issue stirred you the most? ack...lately abortion just because of discussion that has been happening in school. The political issue of being politically correct

37. Who did/do you miss? I missed Evan when he was tree planting and Ash when she was...well...everywhere! I miss STef a lot and i don't get a chanc eto talk to her like EVER

38. Who was the best new person you met? I met this girl on the bus named Phillyis twice and she seems pretty awesome!

39. Quote a few song lyrics that sums up your year:
"Amazing love
Now what else shall I need
Your name brings life

My world was changed
When your life you gave for me
My purpose found
And all that you want for me

Take me to a place
Where I can see you face to face
And all I want to do
All I want to do"

Who's knocking at my soul?........Amber

"See, O LORD, how distressed I am! I am in torment within,and in my heart I am disturbed, for I have been most rebellious.Outside, the sword bereaves; inside, there is only death." Lamentations 1:20.
It's so werid reading in the Bible about when people who loved God who were tormented. So many times in the hospital you see people who are tormented by their disease or the pain that comes with thier disease (not just physical). At school you see people tormented about grades, expectations and success. Even youth that still email me from home...(one told me he was expelled from school, another just emailed me and said she was suspended). Their struggles are so real. So many times I feel like the solider in this picture. That I"m sitting up on the hill watching the battle happen and doing nothing. Sometimes my torment comes in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping and I dream about people dying and me being helpless. Last night I couldn't sleep for hours. Other times it comes out of fear of the future and the decisions I"m making right now that affect it. What if I get so caught up in my career that I miss out on what God is really doing? It seems like the older you get the more you have to lose. The more scared you become of failing, the more you forget to take risks. Yesterday I asked God on the way to school just for one opportunity to have an authentic opportunity to share Him to someone. Just one person out of this mess called life.
"Failure is often the context for miracles. We all want miracles, but we try to avoid needing them. But only sick people need healing, only people who are blind need to see, only people who are deaf need to hear, only people with leprosy need to be cleansed. Wouldn't it be great to be Lazarus experiencing the power of God raising you from the dead? Of course, there is a downside. You have to die in order for this to happen." Erwin McManus from "Seizing your divine moment"
There are so many days where I "get to" experience failure. There are so many questions that I don't know the answers to. There are so many insecurities that I allow to torment and limit me. BUT...I do know what I want. I want to run into the battle that God has asked me to engage in....I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines with my tears and dashed hopes and excuses. I'm even more tired of seeing the youth of this generation sitting there letting their destiny be stolen away from them without a fight. Why isn't anyone fighting anymore? Why am I not fighting anymore? I want to get to a point of no return; where nothing exists to hold me back.

But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. Jeremiah 20:9

Wheee....Amber

As much as I hate spending time by myself...I found myself alone in my apartment for the majority of today. But for once it was REALLY good! J.C. and I hit it up pretty good and I think that the most amazing part about spending the entire day alone in my apartment with God....is that when you see people you get SO excited! Not only because you haven't seen anyone else for 6 hours...but because God is so excited about people! It's almost like He's consumed by us, in the most healthy way possible!haha. But I went to take the garbage out a few minutes ago, one of my neighbours was doing the same thing and it was wonderful to take part of God's excitment of who these people...strangers...neighbours are! I mean who gets excited about small talk? God is SO good!

Ash...I'm going home...

YAH!!! YAH!!! YAH!!! I asked and I prayed and other people prayed and I GET TO GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!! It was starting to look unlikely that I would actually get to go home and I was preparing myself to settle with that. I mean honestly, I am so very blessed that my supervisor Theresa was even able to do this for me. Other people will be there working all Christmas holidays and I am so very privileged to get to go see my family and dear friends. I am flying to Calgary where I will get to see AMY (!!!!!) and go to CHURCH!!!!!! I will get to see my parents and then go home to Wymark to spend Christmas day with my wonderful grandma and grandpa!! I was so happy when Theresa told me that I almost cried right there in her office. Please don't mistake my enthusiasm...I absolutely love my job and my coworkers and the wonderful patrons. I know I am in Winnipeg for a reason and I love being here. But I really missed my family at Thanksgiving and I really desired to share this holiday with my family. I was reading in Luke 1 this morning where the angel tells Mary that "nothing is impossible with God". So I prayed that over a bunch of things today...over my desires, over my friends and family, over my coworkers and work environment...I prayed that the things that seem so impossible in our lives would be shaken and moved by the God of possibility. Jesus heard my prayers and knew my heart and gave me my desire to go home for Christmas...thankyou Jesus! Thank you so much! There are no words to adequately express my gratitude!! You are everything and I will follow you anywhere because I know you care about me, my heart and all the little things in my life and that your are active in all of it. Thank you Jesus, I LOVE YOU!!!!! Hmmm...so good...I GET TO GO HOME!!!!

Ash...smile you're on candid camera...

I have decided not to blog. There are too many fun things I want to go do right now. Not that there isn't much that I can say...so much has been going on in my life the past while and I am muchly full of joyness. But, right now it just lives here...in the people I spend my days with and the funny circumstances that occur in my daily moments. I know I need to write. I want to write. But right this moment I'm going to go punch Amber in the face and go work on a drawing...no blogging for me...